Not having a job has been pretty frustrating at times. I CHOSE to quit my previous job, so that I could take the time and consideration needed to find the right place of employment. However, it has taken MUCH longer than expected! (I know, I know...God is in control, not me.) I always say I'm one of those people who is MUCH more productive when I'm super busy. When I have too much free time on my hands, it's like...I don't know what to do...so I do nothing but think about what to do! sad/pathetic.... Being busy and having a jam-packed day is my comfort zone. In my world, there's no such thing as a to-do list with less than 15 bullets.
I never really thought this was a bad thing, but it has really been an issue this last month. Some days I have to work REALLY hard to convince myself to find SOMETHING productive to do instead of just sitting around and WISHING I had something useful to do...like...a job perhaps?? Anyway, last night in the shower I was thinking about how I can't wait to find a church home so that I can be fed and lifted up and equipped to go into the world! And that made me think about how I can't wait to find a JOB...so that I can once again be around people everyday. I've always felt that God has gifted me in ways that are most useful when I'm around a lot of people. Right now, I have no medium for reaching people. No circle of influence in this place. It's a frustrating feeling because I feel like I am not able to serve God in the ways that I want to ...and in the ways that I have known.
That got me to thinking about how I have felt a little bit like I'm flailing in my spiritual life. I'm not in the midst of some blatant spiritual warfare that is weighing on my heart every second...I just feel a little stagnant. In thinking so much about DOING, I have neglected myself. It's funny to think that neglecting myself is actually a very SELFISH thing. God has given me this time of few commitments, and I have not made it useful to Him. What I have seen as an unfortunate situation is really a BLESSING from God. Not once in this last month have I just busted out my bible, sat in silence and said, "okay God, show me somethin..." I have been too caught up in being "bored." How pathetic am I? I don't know WHY it took me this long to realize that I am being blessed with the gift of time. AN AMAZING gift whose face I have RARELY seen in my life. When I don't have it, I LONG for it...now that I have it, I have been completely blind to see it. Stupid Satan... always making me feel dumb for falling for your little tricks.
Thank You Lord for not giving up on me!
Anyway, a shout out to my Awesome Father who, once again, has humbled me, blessed me and been miiighty patient with me!