Thursday, December 17, 2009

I Wonder...

I wonder what it feels like...
-to think you're in perfect health and then all of a sudden be told that you have a brain tumor.
-to be the leader of a church (3 churches actually) and find out that you have cancer in your brain, that the tumor can't be completely removed, and that it might have already spread.
-to tell your 3 little kiddos that you have brain cancer and you have NO idea what the future holds
-to know that your life might be cut a LOT shorter than you thought
-to plan for death at a young age
-to know that your time with your spouse who you lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve could be really limited
-to be told you have brain cancer
-to wait on doctors to tell you what your future holds
-to talk to God when you know you have cancer
-to hang out with your friends when you know you have cancer
-to know that God COULD work a total miracle in your life
-to know that you could go be with God pretty soon
-to "live like you were dying"...when you think you might actually be dying.

Not to be morbid.  But I just wonder.  I wonder if Matt is struggling to be hopeful and faithful and trusting of God's plan for his life.  Or is it somehow coming easier during this trial?  Does he have a crazy sense of peace from The Holy Spirit?  Is he scared out of his mind?  Does he feel freaked out that the church is his responsibility and he can't be there to carry it on his shoulders right now?  Or is he at peace with leaving everything to his trusty fellow pastors?  Is he feeling motivated to just LOVE on his kids and wife like crazy or is he overcome with fear and sadness every time he looks at them?

After he found out about the pathology report, he tweeted, "My days are limited...but not by this report"  Makes me think that sure, he might be scared, nervous, humbled...but he is also aware that no matter what is going on in his body, God is ultimately in control.  Whether he is diagnosed with brain cancer or not, God will take him when He's ready to bring him home.  That's comforting...but I still wonder about all the little thoughts that are going through his head right now.


Ivy said...

powerful. puts things into perspective, eh?

L-Kat said...

his video was incredible. i was really blown away when he said that he felt humbled that God would deem him worthy of carrying this burden... unbelievable.

have you seen his wife's blog?