Monday, May 5, 2014

When I Grow Up....

So I'm pretty sure that when I was a leeeetle tiny child, I NEVER thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I probably wanted to be a doctor, and a gymnast, and a professional playground climber, etc....   I was never the chick who planned out her wedding, dreamed about becoming a mom and what all my kids' names would be... I just...didn't think that far ahead I think.  I'm not even sure.  BUT.  It wasnt until college, halfway through actually, that I actually verbalized and committed to what I "wanted to be when I grew up."  I committed to a course of study (Kinesiology), with plans to apply to PT school.  But like everything, I lived in the moment.  I put relationship before schoolwork.  I thought PT would be awesome, but didn't ever set any type of goal.  I just... lived each day as I saw fit.  I served the Lord as I knew how, I made friends and poured myself into those relationships, I worked with the youth group at my church and LIVED for that work.  I think I secretly dreamed about becoming a youth minister one day, but I'm pretty sure I never said that out loud, either.  I was probably afraid it wouldn't please my parentals, who were paying for a college education that had NOTHING to do with youth ministry ;)  (I was always afraid of disappointing people and being considered a "failure" back then).  I did NOT do my best in some of my classes, which was so unlike my high school self...but there was no one to disappoint, which had been my driving force all through life.

Anyway, I just got to thinking about my DREAMS today because my eldest Bradford Babe, Averton Waverton, started asking me about when I was little girl and what I wanted to be "when I grew up." 
"Did you want to deliver storks when you were little, mommy?" 
"Actually no, sweetie, I never even knew this job existed when I was a little girl! But it's so fun!"
"Did you want to help people workout?"
"Well...not when I was little like YOU, but when I went to college like Uncle Reid, I starting learning how to help people workout and I LOVED it!"
"I want to be LOTS of things when I grow up, mommy.  I wanna have a lot of jobs like....Shakeology, helping people workout, delivering storks...."
"Well sweet pea, you can have allllll kinds of jobs when you grow up!  Whatever you wanna do, you just have to practice.  Who knows what kinds of stuff you'll discover when you're a grown up!"
I LOVE how the little ones think.  Nothing is impossible.  THere's no pressure.  Nothing is too much or too silly or too difficult or too ANYTHING.  It  And I love it. 

I really do hope and need to start PRAYING that my girls never feel limited by anything that ANYONE tells them!  I need to pray that God will nurture the belief that they can literally do ANYTHING because whatever God calls them to, no matter how mundane or super adventurous, will be good and perfect and worth doing. 

It's so funny to think back to myself in high school, and then in college, and then even 3 or 4 years ago.  My mindset has SO shifted.  I'm still the same old me.  BUT...I feel so much...wiser. NOT in my own rite, but because God has just seriously opened my eyes and my heart to some truths that I just didn't pay attention to before.  I am secure in whoever He wants me to be in the present moment.  I don't always feel equipped (knowledgeable, experienced, cool enough).  I don't always feel PUMPED about whatever it is.  But I can honestly say that when I just obey Him and LISTEN to His calling for me, He GIVES me the excitement, or the direction, or the open door, or even the roadblock that is necessary for me to succeed on HIS terms.  AND...I can honestly say that these days, I don't really give a crap about "my terms."  Sure, for a second I might be annoyed that something doesn't go a certain way, but for the most part, I feel fully satisfied in KNOWING that HE is my rock, HE is my portion,  HE fills my cup, and HE is my SOLE PURPOSE for this life.  Every breath, every action, every relationship, every day.... is only given to me so that I might use it for the good of THe Kingdom.  I measure my success.  Ohhhh do I measure it.  BUT... My satisfaction in myself is unaffected by my income, my client-base, my "popularity"... it is only truly affected by whether or not I know I am giving my all to my God-given purpose for that day/hour/season/moment.

I am starting to better understand that I can and SHOULD set goals for myself.  Actual tangible goals.  I've started doing that a little bit more, and I'm finding that it keeps me driving forward toward whatever opportunities GOd places in my path.  I have less complacency.  I DO have more "stress", but I think that's a good thing.  I have been reminded lately that I shouldn't ALWAYS be so comfortable because my life is WORK.  It's WORK as GOd's hands and feet and as His servant....following his call, serving His people. pressing into Him and all that He wants to do in and with and through me in this lifetime.  I would say that now...."when I grow up"...I just want to be a HARD WORKING daughter of my God and my Savior.  An intense lover of His people.  A tireless seeker of relationships and opportunities to be in people's lives.  A desperate worshiper and FAN of the ONE TRUE GOD.  I want to dig into His word and to KNOW HIM more closely with every day that that I can impress on my hearts of my children the love and the TRUTH that is their Creator.  And so that I can be a good and perfect helper for my husband.  ANd so that I can be a bright and shining light for HIM...not to make a name for myself.  Not to be praised or admired while I'm on this earth.  But to just be a tree whose fruit are so plentiful that baskets are constantly overflowing!  Because that means victory is HIS. 

Anyway.  I finally get the whole "goals" thing.  I think I just kind of see it a little differently than what those who always tried to teach me had in mind haha.  I want to impress these values on my little babygirls, and I just pray that it's His message for them.  Even if they grow up and people tell them they're aimless or doormats or too complacent.... HE is their master and their judge ... and if they can value that above all else... YAY!  THat would make my momma-heart burst with thanksgiving and praise and reassurance.  So maybe someday I'll grow up...and maybe someday I'll have an answer for that age-old question ;)


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